Love Who You Want

Written by a Ventura County high school student.

I have always been curious about my sexuality. I never knew what I was, but I knew I liked girls and boys. I remember feeling tingly whenever I saw a beautiful woman or feeling a wave of shivers down my back whenever a gorgeous woman touched me. This would happen with guys too, but I always knew I liked the male gender. 

I think my most distinctive moment when I realized I liked women was when I watched Mulan for the first time. The movie showed me that women could do what men do, and sometimes better. Watching Mulan for the first time was life-altering. I loved her; she was my “gay awakening.” She was not only strong but beautiful, and carried herself with a certain poise. Mulan made me realize that women were the right way to go.

I've liked guys ever since I can remember; it's just what I knew. I always had a crush on a guy and enjoyed dating guys. It may be that I was raised in a society, although progressive, that did not preach gayness from every rooftop. Dating and kissing guys was fun. I liked it, and still like it to this day.

Liking both men and women is something I feel very proud about. When I had my first real kiss with a girl, it changed me. I felt something wake up in me that was dormant for a while. Kissing girls was something that I missed out on and once I had my first kiss with a girl, I never wanted to stop.

I used to be unidentified, with no label when talking about my sexuality. I think I have finally figured it out. It may change in the future, but right now I think I am pretty definitive. I like all genders – male, female, non-binary, intersex, and more. I think I identify with being bisexual. Being bisexual is liking two or more genders. It is sort of like pansexual, but I recognize genders. I do not care which gender they identify as, and I am open to all. 

I came out to myself first, which was hard but exhilarating. I was ready to admit it and once I did, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I then came out to my friends. They were super supportive and were proud of me. I think they knew before me. Then I came out to my mom. That was super hard. I ended up crying. I knew she would love me no matter what, but I do not think she fully understood what I was or who I liked. I think my grandparents just knew once they saw my flag. I have yet to tell my dad, but I know he will love me no matter what.

Sexuality does not need to be labeled or figured out right away. It takes time, experience, and self-understanding. No one should try and speed up the process of figuring it out. Sexuality can be fluid, it can be rigid, it can be whatever you please. Love is love, as generic as that sounds. Love who you want despite what others say. Kiss the person you want to kiss. Sexuality is about loving yourself, loving others, and feeling comfortable.

Be comfortable in your own skin no matter your sexuality. Do not let others bring you down or bully you about who you love. Every sexuality is beautiful. No matter if you like men, women, both, all genders, or if you don't even see gender. Your sexuality is you; embrace it.